Ni iki gituma abakobwa bamwe bashimishwa n’abasore batabafiteho gahunda yo kubarongora?

Mu gihe benshi bemeza ko urukundo nyarwo rugomba gushingira ku ntego z’igihe kirekire, harimo kubaka urugo no gutegura ejo hazaza, hari abakobwa benshi bagenda bagaragara mu rukundo n’abasore batarangwa n’iyo ntego.

Abo basore nta gahunda baba bafite yo kubarongora, nta n’icyerekezo gihamye cy’ubuzima bafite, ariko ugasanga bakundwa cyane, ndetse bamwe mu bakobwa bakagira ishyaka ridasanzwe kuri bo.

Ni iki kibitera? Ese ni ubuswa cyangwa ni amarangamutima aruta ubwenge? Ese ni umuco wo kudashishoza cyangwa ni ikimenyetso cy’imibereho y’urubyiruko rwa none?

Ijambo.net yanyuze mu nguni zinyuranye z’imitekerereze n’imibanire y’abantu, yifashishije ubushakashatsi mpuzamahanga butandukanye maze ibategurira impamvu 6 z’ingenzi zishobora gusobanura byinshi wibaza kuri icyo kibazo:

1. Kuba amarangamutima aruta ubwenge

Hari igihe umukobwa ashobora kwinjira mu rukundo atabanje kubitekerezaho cyane, agashukwa n’amagambo meza, kwitabwaho, no guhabwa agaciro ko mu buryo bw’ako kanya. Nk’uko byagaragajwe n’ubushakashatsi bwakozwe na Dr. Helen Fisher, umuhanga mu by’ubwonko n’urukundo, “amarangamutima akunda gufata iyambere imbere y’ubwenge iyo umuntu agize emotional attachment yihuse.” Ibi bisobanuye ko iyo umukobwa akunze vuba, bishobora kumutera kwirengagiza ibimenyetso bigaragaza ko uwo musore atamufiteho gahunda yo kumurongora.

Hari igihe umukobwa avuga ati: “Ndabizi ko nta gahunda afite yo kuzamfata nk’uwo bazabana, ariko sinshobora kumureka, kuko ndamukunda.”

Iri jambo ryonyine ryerekana uko urukundo rudafite umurongo rushobora kuba rugendera ku marangamutima gusa.

2. Kwiyumvamo ishusho y’umuhindura

Abakobwa bamwe bafata umusore “utita ku mibanire y’igihe kirekire” nk’inshingano zabo. Bavuga bati: “Ni ukuri, ubu asa n’udasobanutse, ariko mfite icyizere ko azahinduka kubera njyewe.” Aha ni ho havuka imyumvire ya “project love”, aho umukobwa yumva ko ari we uzagira uruhare mu guhindura uwo musore akamugira umugabo nyakuri.

Ibi kandi bishimangirwa n’ubushakashatsi bwakorewe muri University of Michigan (2021), bwerekana ko abakobwa benshi bafite “nurturing instinct”—ni ukuvuga ubushake bwo kwita ku bandi no kubafasha gukura mu bitekerezo, bakibwira ko urukundo rushobora guhindura umuntu.

3. Gutinya “commitment” no kuba batarakura bihagije

Hari n’abakobwa ubwabo baba bataritegura urukundo ruhamye. Baba bagikura, bafite ubwoba bwo gufata inshingano z’urugo cyangwa kwinjira mu mubano usaba ubwitange burambye. Umusore utagira gahunda yo kubarongora ashobora kubabera “safe zone” — aho bumva nta gitutu cyo gushyingirwa, ahubwo bishimira moment gusa.

Nk’uko bitangazwa na Psychology Today (2022), abakobwa bamwe bashaka "comfort relationship" aho bumva baruhutse, ntibashyirweho igitutu cyo kubyara cyangwa gushinga urugo. Abo bahitamo abasore batagira gahunda nk’uburyo bwo kwirinda igitutu cy’umuryango cyangwa izindi nshingano zitari igihe.

4. Kwiheba no kwibona nk’abadakwiye kurongorwa

Abandi bakobwa bishora mu basore badasobanutse kubera ukwiyanga no kwiyumva nabi. Aha hari aho umuntu yifata nk’udakwiriye urukundo rwuzuye cyangwa urugo rwiza.

Bavuga bati: “Nta musore mwiza wamfata nk’uwo bazarongora, reka nishimire uwo ngize.”

Aha tugaruka ku bushakashatsi bwa World Health Organization (WHO, 2020) buvuga ko abakobwa benshi, cyane cyane mu bihugu biri mu nzira y’amajyambere, bagira ikibazo cyo low self-esteem kubera ihindagurika ry’imibereho, ihohoterwa rishingiye ku gitsina, n’amarangamutima y’ubwigunge. Aho kugira ngo bashakishe urukundo rwuzuye, bihitamo gushimishwa n’uwo babonye wese, n’iyo yaba adafite gahunda yo kubarongora.

5. Uburyo bw’imyitwarire n’umuco w’ikoranabuhanga

Ikoranabuhanga ryagize uruhare runini mu guhindura imyumvire y’urukundo. Abakobwa benshi bakura bareba films, series n’imbuga nkoranyambaga birimo inkuru z’urukundo zitari ku rwego rw’ukuri. Hari igihe bararikira “bad boys” basetsa, basohoka, bakavugira mu matamatama, ariko badafite gahunda ihamye.

Umusesenguzi mu mibanire witwa Esther Perel, avuga ko “urukundo rwo muri iki gihe rwaranzwe no gushaka ibyishimo by’ako kanya, aho abantu bumva ko ‘gushimishwa ubu’ aribyo bikomeye, aho ‘ejo hazaza’ batakihaha icyifuzo.”

6. Gutegereza umuntu wabo nyakuri (Mr. Right)

Hari n’abakobwa baba bazi neza ko uwo bari kumwe atari uwo bazarongornaa, ariko bamufata nk’umwanya wo “kudatakaza ubuzima bonyine”. Mu by’ukuri, baba barimo gutegereza undi wabo nyakuri. Babona ko aho kugira ngo bagume mu bwigunge, bagahitamo kuba mu mubano utunguranye, bashimishwa n’igihe gito.

Iyi myitwarire nayo ni ikimenyetso cy’uko imibanire igezweho ihindutse: aho bamwe batakibona urukundo nk’ibanga ry’igihe kirekire, ahubwo bagendana n’igihe n’amarangamutima.

Icyo abahanga bavuga ku Mibanire Nk’iyo

Prof. Mbabazi Ernest, umwarimu mu bijyanye n’imibanire avuga ko: “Abakobwa benshi bajya mu rukundo rudafite intego kubera icyuho cy’urukundo bakeneye, ariko iyo icyuho kidafashwe neza, gishobora kubakururira ibibazo byo kwangirika mu mitekerereze n’imibanire.”

Dr. Susan Kangwe, umuganga w’indwara z’imitekerereze, nawe avuga ko: “Hari igihe abakobwa bagira ihuzagurika ry’amarangamutima, bakishora mu rukundo rudafite umurongo, bikazagira ingaruka ku buzima bwabo bwo mu mutwe.”

Icyo biganisha ku muryango n’ahazaza

Nubwo urukundo rudashobora gucungwa n’amategeko cyangwa gahunda, iyo imibanire ihindutse nk’iy’agateganyo, ntacyo iba yubakiyeho, bikaviramo benshi ibikomere bikomeye. Ibi bishobora no gutuma abakobwa batangira kwanga urukundo rw’ukuri, bagahora mu rungabangabo rw’ibikomere by’imibanire idafite intego.

Uko byagenda kose, igisubizo si ugushinja abakobwa cyangwa abasore, ahubwo ni ugushishikariza urubyiruko gusobanukirwa agaciro k’imibanire ifite intego. Urukundo si uburyo bwo guhunga ubwigunge cyangwa guhaza amarangamutima y’ako kanya gusa, ahubwo ni igikorwa gisaba gushishoza, kwiyubaha, no gufata ibyemezo bifite icyerekezo.

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